Don't Do Me Like That

I posted this on my other blog a while back, but it still rings true – especially after being told today by someone taking up multiple seats on the bus that my small bag is in her way, when it was clearly on my seat.  Moooooom, she's on my side! I will repost the one about my “one ass one seat” policy if you keep this up.

At the risk of making you think I am one of those people who loves animals more than people (I'm not) and revealing myself as a misanthrope (I am), here are some of the reasons I sometimes like my dog Stella better than people.  

1. After she has removed that plastic ring from around the neck of a milk container, Stella rarely just leaves it on the counter.  That thoughtfulness saves me the passively aggressive task of placing it inside a briefcase, serving it with dinner, placing it in the bottom of a sock which is then replaced in the sock drawer.
2. Not once has Stella left her homework in school, forcing me to call another parent and ask that she fax it to me my work fax number (that’s why I have a work fax, no?).  She's just good that way.
3. I have never, ever found my good Mason and Pearson brush entangled in the disproportionately long and unreasonably platinum locks of one of Stella's Barbies. She is so careful about this one, she even runs at the mere sight of a brush.
4. I have never seen Stella nearly shove a person down the steps of the Chambers Street subway station running to get a train that clearly she, and she alone, is the only one interested in boarding.  Yes, woman who refused to look me in the eye, having missed the train after all last night, I am talking to you.
5. When I ask Stella to take down the recycling, she has never answered with, “Why would I want to do that?! It’s not fun!” or “NOW?! But I was just about to watch that episode of iCarly I have seen only four other times,” or, a personal favorite from my very own childhood repertoire, “I bet you had me just so I could do your chores.”
6. When she is in a store and people ask her where to find the french fried onions, which are best eaten by the fistful directly from the iconic canister, it is extremely rare for Stella to shrug her shoulders, say "Dunno," and return to texting her friends.  Of course, her lack of thumbs may at least partially explain this one.
7. Stella has never been embarrassed when I call her a nickname in front of others.  Not even during her paper training days, when I regularly referred to her as ‘Smella.’

To be fair, I did just have to wrestle a brand new pair of ballet flats from her jaws.

Too Much Ain’t Enough

This week I am reading Tim Gunn: A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style, and as much as I love my kind, wise, and charming neighbor, he left out a couple of sections.  Allow me to fill in those gaps.

Boots…

For the non-sandal months, there are really only two choices in shoes: boots and ballet flats.  Boots really deserve an entire entry (or blog).  For now let’s just say you need an extremely wide variety of heights, textures, styles, formalities, and heels.  When it comes to color, nearly any shade of brown or black is acceptable.  Take a lesson from me that purple boots, while totally adorable, will be relegated to walking the dog. Oh, the lovely outfits, completed by my purple suede peter pan boots, that only the doormen on my block have been lucky enough to witness. 

… and Ballet Flats

Ballet flats, what can I say? You can pretty much buy them in whatever color and texture you want.  Because you will always choose to wear boots instead.

Cardigans

Do you have a closetful of sleeveless dresses but a calendar of sleeveful events? Purchase a brightly colored cardigan to extend the usefulness of the dresses you already own.  Thrifty, huh? Only marginally less so when you buy six of them, all in varying red and purple tones. 

Novelty Items

Buy them! Buy them all! You will never get tired of a skirt with a Monet style landscape painted on it.  It’s like a classic men’s suit; You can wear it every day and no one will even notice! Ditto for the eyelet ombre skirt in shades varying from extremely loud yellow to very angry orange. 

Bags

A nice, classic, well-made bag is a must-have, that finishing touch that completes any outfit.  Invest in one.  Or 17.  Change your bag pretty much every day to match that day’s ensemble.  In theory this approach ensures that you carry only true necessities with you, as you are constantly reassessing the contents of each bag as you transfer them from one bag to the next.  In reality you are more likely than not leaving a lipstick behind in each bag.  But as lipsticks are made only to be purchased and not applied (a personal philosophy of mine), leaving one behind in an orange suede bag, because today’s outfit calls for a brown fringed one, will have little impact.

I Want You Back Again

I like my things.  They are like a family to me.  And my children's things, they are like extended family.  Sadly, the life expectancy of these family members is very low, often measured in mere days, and, in some especially unfortunate instances, hours. In our busy lives we sometimes move on quickly after these losses, but right now I’d like to stop, take a breath and properly memorialize some of them. 

Single navy Ralph Lauren sneaker We miss you more than you can ever know.  You know, since you are a sneaker.  You had just joined our family when you were taken from us so abruptly.  Your departure was especially unexpected since you were on my daughter's foot at the time.  One minute you were enjoying a ride on a swing and the next minute you went flying over the playground fence.  Or so I have been told.

Single navy Payless replacement sneaker O, cruel irony, you met the same fate as your predecessor, pushing the limits of fairness.  And credibility.  

White denim jacket Alas you did not make it to first period on the day of your very first wearing.  You disappeared from sight, right there in the gym, before the Pledge of Allegiance was even pledged. Through no fault of the wearer.  Yes, after many visits to the official lost and found and several ad hoc lost and founds (piles of clothes and pencil cases throughout the school) you were eventually recovered, streaked in grime.  You, apparently, had been run over by a motocross fleet.  While we gave you the best sartorial care possible, you never regained your original luster.  So young, so sad.

Light blue anorak You were so adorable. And so flexible – the way you could fold right up into yourself.  You didn’t even make it through your first school day.  Perhaps you folded yourself so small, you became invisible to the naked eye.  Certainly you were not just forgotten in a hallway between periods

Purple plaid lunch bag Oh, you were beloved.  Your purchase had not been planned, but you were the object of love at first sight, and, subsequently, intense lobbying.  A matching backpack was even purchased to keep you company.  And then, one sad day, very soon after you joined our family, you did not make the long trip from subway station platform to subway car.  Helplessly we watched you, scared and alone on the platform, as our train gained speed and pulled out of the station.  There was no trace of you, not even a purple thread, when I returned less than 10 minutes later.  I am sure some lawyer was pleased to find you and give you a good home.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

Have Love Will Travel

My last post featured my latest resume, but I left out a key talent, namely doing things and going places while drinking a diet coke.  I use the term "diet coke" generically, to mean diet coke or diet pepsi, as I am what I call "cola agnostic." That means that if I am in a "pepsi shop,” I will order a large diet pepsi, light on the ice, without a second’s hesitation. At the Food Emporium I will buy whichever is on sale, lugging home several cases on foot, much to the consternation of the cashiers and annoyance of the delivery men.

I won’t go on and on about the bliss of a diet with lemon, or the quenchiness of a cold diet coke on a cold day, or my strong preference for fountain, followed by can, followed by two-liter bottle, followed by those awful plastic 20-ounce bottles.  Just know that I feel intensely about my diet coke, enough that I there is pretty much always one in my hand, at my side, in my handbag (closed, the ones in my bag are usually closed, except for on one fairly notable occasion when it didn’t stay that way – and while the bag, sadly, was brand new, at least it was caramel colored). If you are not sure it is me coming toward you on the street, let’s say because I have gone through one of my hair color changes or due to an absence of fringed clothing, check out my left hand; Is there a diet coke in it? It’s me! Hello.

Let’s start there. The diet coke is always in the left hand.  That means the right hand must manage all manner of other items: typically the handbag, the bag(s) of returns, the smartphone, and at the outset of the outing, the omnipresent aviator sunglasses. Yes, it does seem to unfairly burden the right hand, but rightie is up to the task.  And leftie needs to focus on keeping that can fairly level.

It can be tricky to go everywhere with that can of diet coke, but with practice you, too, can do this.  Shopping for boots? Place the can next on the shelf next to the boot of interest, then pick up the boot to examine it.  It’s a sort of boot for cola exchange, the kind the US is always trying to broker with Brazil. Wait, in that illustration I am not really sure I could okay the US handing over either good. Let’s stick with guns and butter.

There are times you must place the diet coke can at your feet, strange as it may sound.  To tie a shoe, to pick something up off the ground. I know you are asking, “Won’t it get knocked over?”  Well, yes, once in a while it will get knocked over and you will scurry around cleaning it up.  That is the price one must pay for being fortunate enough to have that beloved drink at your side at all times.  Your children sometimes make messes, do they not? And yet when they spill something, you clean up after them, wordlessly and without complaint (most of the time – ok, some of the time).  At least the diet coke does not require diapers.  This, however does not mean my diet coke does not have a wardrobe – it does have a lovely 70’s inspired t-shirt. And a hoodie.

Runnin' Down a Dream

You know how they tell you that every so often you really need to rewrite your resume? Well now is one of those times for me.  I am an especially talented and experienced individual, so it may take a while to record it all in this condensed format, but a resume is really a work in progress, a living document, in the parlance of our times.  I offer you this first draft - obviously I have left off Tom Petty song title consulting, chocolate cookie baking and a host of other experiences that I hope to incorporate shortly.

Jayn Levy, VIB

Summary

Strengths include:

·   Purchasing Boots	·   Hanging Up on Telemarketers
·   Loud, Off-Tune Singing	·   Obsessive Smartphone Use
·   Love of Suede Fringe	·   Tracking Packages
·   Sibling Relationship Management	·   FIFO Food Storage (Refrigerator and Cabinet)

Experience

Senior Returner

Develop and execute complex plan for return of varied purchases from both bricks and mortar and online merchants.  Plan takes into account differing return policies, stores’ geographic locations for maximum efficiency and frequent buyer and/or store card benefits.  Often advise store cashiers on establishments’ rules.  Serve as frequent consultant to others’ on return strategies

·         Strategically plan purchases to minimize time spent in USPS office.  Average fewer than once per quarter

·         Specialize in difficult returns, including a single child’s boot, Target without a receipt, and Amazon

·         Utilize proprietary, proven methodology for organization and packaging of returns to speed third party processing

·         Subject matter expert at Sephora; returns maximize VIB points while minimizing cash outlay

·         Thought leader and evangelist of Anthro card; introduced sophisticated, veteran returner, as well as returning novices, to value of card

·         Recognized by Gap staff throughout Manhattan

Expert Television Watcher

Watch and critique TV to a degree that astounds most productive human beings.  Regularly view a great number of widely varied shows and moderate discussions on plot, casting, and continuity ad nauseam with anyone who can be incentivized to participate

·         Expertly multi-task TV viewing with a wide variety of co-activities, including but not limited to: cooking, baking, laundry, working, homework assistance, cleaning floors, eating, shopping online, riding mass transit

·         Maintain complicated DVR schedule to accommodate four people, while ensuring my shows receive highest priority

·         Utilize variety of devices and technology to maintain DVR including DVR, satellite boxes, website, Netflix (streaming and discs), Amazon, iTunes, and ipad and iphone apps

·         Coordinate TV schedule across TV, ipad apps, and websites

·         Show unerring taste in selection of shows across a wide range of genres, including: The Wire, The Sopranos, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Downton Abbey, Life on Mars, The People’s Court, My So Called Life, Parks and Recreation, Homeland, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Cougar Town, Friday Night Lights, Veronica Mars, and 30 Rock

·         Often undertake repeat viewings of a single episode to ensure optimal enjoyment

·         Able to identify with unusual discernment actors behind voiceovers.  Recent accomplishments include: Richard Thomas, Julia Roberts, Jeremy Sisto, David Eigenberg, Jon Hamm, Susan Sarandon, Jeff Bridges

·         Successfully socialize Freaks and Geeks while adjusting messaging according to audience; vary emphasis on freaks, geeks, eighties-style clothing, and James Franco’s looks as appropriate

·         Strive to emulate Connie Britton’s strawberry blonde mane

 Credentials

·         VIB status, Sephora

·         Card-carrying Anthro member since 2010

Hobby

Management consulting

Don't Come Around Here No More

So, it occurred to me today, and not for the first time either, that there are a great number of service people out there who would totally enjoy their jobs that much more if only the damn customer would stop getting in the way.  Let me describe the scene that triggered this thought for the bajillionth time.

I was in Loehmanns, with hair on my head, looking through the sale rack.  The hair's relevance will become clear in a minute.  See, I was about to arrive somewhere early, and I am "on time chick," so I can never get there even a minute early, and must find a way to eat up that minute.  I am pretty sure that is why Loehmanns was created by God, in his infinite wisdom and unwillingness to pay full retail.  Also, it is important to note that my father-in-law was "2 hours early man" and if you arrived only on time to meet him, you may as well have shown up the next day. And despite having been on time, you would come home later to find 20 short, loud messages inquiring, not politely and not in English, just exactly where you were - messages that he left in a span of no more than 3 minutes, before you arrived to meet him right on time. He had mad phone dialing and message leaving skillz, y'all. 

So I was looking through a sale rack and there were salespeople moving the contents of my sales rack to another.  As a salesperson walked by with a stack of hangered clothing, one of the hangers ensnared itself in my hair. It hurt like a bitch, and not a fun bitch either, and I gasped.  But if you heard the sigh the salesperson let out, you would have realized that the true victim here was not me, but him.  I mean, how much easier would this task be if I did not waste his valuable time while I plucked what remained of my hair from the hangers? If I was not an obstacle he had to walk around to get the next batch of clothes? If I did not have the gall to select an item from the rack, look at it and then put it back?

I began to ponder the customer-less store and the many benefits it would offer the employee.  Let's see - you would never have to refold things! That would be a huge time saver right there.  And no more stupid questions about where the hosiery department has moved to.  I mean, the freaking department moved days ago - why can't these customers keep up?!  And you know how sometimes you want to just chat with the cashier at the next register, but some ass of a customer insists that you take money in exchange for an item - that's a thing of the past too.  Now you can have that conversation about your latest piercing entirely without interruption.  

If the customer-less store works out, by all means let's move on to the holy grail - the customer-less restaurant.  Ugh, the way those customers want you to come back and take their order, when maybe you have some lipstick you need to reapply.  And can you believe how they signal with their hand in the air that they need the check? It's almost as if they did not understand that your entirely avoiding eye contact with them was a signal that you did not want to be disturbed.  They can be so obtuse.  And then there is that weird obsession they have with getting what they ordered.  Much easier if the customer stays home and you hang out and in the kitchen, chatting with the cook.

In all fairness, I must disclose that I was a salesperson and a waitress for years.  And not once did these thoughts ever cross my mind.