Have Love Will Travel

My last post featured my latest resume, but I left out a key talent, namely doing things and going places while drinking a diet coke.  I use the term "diet coke" generically, to mean diet coke or diet pepsi, as I am what I call "cola agnostic." That means that if I am in a "pepsi shop,” I will order a large diet pepsi, light on the ice, without a second’s hesitation. At the Food Emporium I will buy whichever is on sale, lugging home several cases on foot, much to the consternation of the cashiers and annoyance of the delivery men.

I won’t go on and on about the bliss of a diet with lemon, or the quenchiness of a cold diet coke on a cold day, or my strong preference for fountain, followed by can, followed by two-liter bottle, followed by those awful plastic 20-ounce bottles.  Just know that I feel intensely about my diet coke, enough that I there is pretty much always one in my hand, at my side, in my handbag (closed, the ones in my bag are usually closed, except for on one fairly notable occasion when it didn’t stay that way – and while the bag, sadly, was brand new, at least it was caramel colored). If you are not sure it is me coming toward you on the street, let’s say because I have gone through one of my hair color changes or due to an absence of fringed clothing, check out my left hand; Is there a diet coke in it? It’s me! Hello.

Let’s start there. The diet coke is always in the left hand.  That means the right hand must manage all manner of other items: typically the handbag, the bag(s) of returns, the smartphone, and at the outset of the outing, the omnipresent aviator sunglasses. Yes, it does seem to unfairly burden the right hand, but rightie is up to the task.  And leftie needs to focus on keeping that can fairly level.

It can be tricky to go everywhere with that can of diet coke, but with practice you, too, can do this.  Shopping for boots? Place the can next on the shelf next to the boot of interest, then pick up the boot to examine it.  It’s a sort of boot for cola exchange, the kind the US is always trying to broker with Brazil. Wait, in that illustration I am not really sure I could okay the US handing over either good. Let’s stick with guns and butter.

There are times you must place the diet coke can at your feet, strange as it may sound.  To tie a shoe, to pick something up off the ground. I know you are asking, “Won’t it get knocked over?”  Well, yes, once in a while it will get knocked over and you will scurry around cleaning it up.  That is the price one must pay for being fortunate enough to have that beloved drink at your side at all times.  Your children sometimes make messes, do they not? And yet when they spill something, you clean up after them, wordlessly and without complaint (most of the time – ok, some of the time).  At least the diet coke does not require diapers.  This, however does not mean my diet coke does not have a wardrobe – it does have a lovely 70’s inspired t-shirt. And a hoodie.