Runnin' Down a Dream

You know how they tell you that every so often you really need to rewrite your resume? Well now is one of those times for me.  I am an especially talented and experienced individual, so it may take a while to record it all in this condensed format, but a resume is really a work in progress, a living document, in the parlance of our times.  I offer you this first draft - obviously I have left off Tom Petty song title consulting, chocolate cookie baking and a host of other experiences that I hope to incorporate shortly.

Jayn Levy, VIB

Summary

Strengths include:

·   Purchasing Boots	·   Hanging Up on Telemarketers
·   Loud, Off-Tune Singing	·   Obsessive Smartphone Use
·   Love of Suede Fringe	·   Tracking Packages
·   Sibling Relationship Management	·   FIFO Food Storage (Refrigerator and Cabinet)

Experience

Senior Returner

Develop and execute complex plan for return of varied purchases from both bricks and mortar and online merchants.  Plan takes into account differing return policies, stores’ geographic locations for maximum efficiency and frequent buyer and/or store card benefits.  Often advise store cashiers on establishments’ rules.  Serve as frequent consultant to others’ on return strategies

·         Strategically plan purchases to minimize time spent in USPS office.  Average fewer than once per quarter

·         Specialize in difficult returns, including a single child’s boot, Target without a receipt, and Amazon

·         Utilize proprietary, proven methodology for organization and packaging of returns to speed third party processing

·         Subject matter expert at Sephora; returns maximize VIB points while minimizing cash outlay

·         Thought leader and evangelist of Anthro card; introduced sophisticated, veteran returner, as well as returning novices, to value of card

·         Recognized by Gap staff throughout Manhattan

Expert Television Watcher

Watch and critique TV to a degree that astounds most productive human beings.  Regularly view a great number of widely varied shows and moderate discussions on plot, casting, and continuity ad nauseam with anyone who can be incentivized to participate

·         Expertly multi-task TV viewing with a wide variety of co-activities, including but not limited to: cooking, baking, laundry, working, homework assistance, cleaning floors, eating, shopping online, riding mass transit

·         Maintain complicated DVR schedule to accommodate four people, while ensuring my shows receive highest priority

·         Utilize variety of devices and technology to maintain DVR including DVR, satellite boxes, website, Netflix (streaming and discs), Amazon, iTunes, and ipad and iphone apps

·         Coordinate TV schedule across TV, ipad apps, and websites

·         Show unerring taste in selection of shows across a wide range of genres, including: The Wire, The Sopranos, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Downton Abbey, Life on Mars, The People’s Court, My So Called Life, Parks and Recreation, Homeland, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Cougar Town, Friday Night Lights, Veronica Mars, and 30 Rock

·         Often undertake repeat viewings of a single episode to ensure optimal enjoyment

·         Able to identify with unusual discernment actors behind voiceovers.  Recent accomplishments include: Richard Thomas, Julia Roberts, Jeremy Sisto, David Eigenberg, Jon Hamm, Susan Sarandon, Jeff Bridges

·         Successfully socialize Freaks and Geeks while adjusting messaging according to audience; vary emphasis on freaks, geeks, eighties-style clothing, and James Franco’s looks as appropriate

·         Strive to emulate Connie Britton’s strawberry blonde mane

 Credentials

·         VIB status, Sephora

·         Card-carrying Anthro member since 2010

Hobby

Management consulting

The Best of Everything

Today a friend of mine posted a diagram outlining the traits of successful people versus those of unsuccessful people, and I have to take issue with it.  For starters, it did not note that successful people make a hobby of returning purchases.  OK, I can let that one slide.  But what I really cannot abide is the claim this post made that successful people do not watch TV.  It made me think about everything I would miss if I did not watch TV.  Then I got a little teary eyed.  Luckily, a quick shot of chocolate chips picked me up enough to write this entry (Calle Baut, my prescription for all ills). 

If I did not watch TV I would not know…

…of the existence of Tim Gunn.  Tim Gunn may in fact be proof of a supreme being.  He is a kind, warm, intelligent force for good.  He has a stellar vocabulary and he is not afraid to use it.  There is not a molecule of mean in him, and I still love him. That fact alone is proof of some sort of complex, overarching plan for humanity.

…how to pronounce ‘pivot.’ For, it is not just ‘pivot,’ but is instead always “PIVOT!” thanks to Ross Geller.  That includes, but is in no way limited to, “PIVOT! Tables.” For that matter, TV has also taught me that the response to any offer of chewing gum is “Gum would be perfection.” Without tv would you even know how to accept a slice of Juicy Fruit? You would not. You would also not have the always utile “We were on a break” and the almost never utile, but still a personal favorite, “Like me, like me, tiny doctor!”

…Tami Taylor/Rayna James (OK, Connie Britton).  These women are over 30, strong, funny, honest and forthright.  These are real adult women, who don’t undergo plastic surgery and all matter of injections and lip paralysis to pretend they look 25 – wrapping the whole package in a shiny, tiny skirt in an attempt to complete the illusion.  Also these women have an amazing head of flouncy strawberry blonde hair that I just may have shown my stylist on more than one occasion.

A Mind with a Heart of Its Own

You know how people hate watch? They hate watch The Bachelor, watching it only to be snarky.  They hate watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, just to feel superior.  While I am a huge endorser of both snark and superiority, and the synergy created by a pairing of the two, I watch my TV the way your grandma made cookies, with love. (In the interest of full disclosure, my grandmother did not make cookies, as doing so had the potential for making the kitchen less than spotless, and she once even scolded me for making toast as it “made the kitchen hot,” but still, I think you understand what I mean, especially if your own grandmother was a little less OCD and a little more TLC.)

So, on tonight’s schedule I had to choose between hopping the L out to Brooklyn with the Girls, heading across the pond to hang at Downton Abbey, and getting a little sun in South Beach with Kourtney and Kim.  And the winner was - - Kourtney and Kim Take Miami.  Because… that’s honestly what I expected to enjoy most.  It is straight entertainment, no nuance, no social commentary – just fun.  I laugh out loud when I hear Scott referred to as LD, short for Lord Disick, a reference to the time he bought himself an English title.  I follow his walking stick (that’s right, his walking stick) on Facebook, because it literally fills me with glee.  I discuss, with my boss no less, why he (that would be Scott, not his walking stick) and Kourtney have not gotten married, despite having two children (Mason and Penelope – I know their names!).

When I watch Hannah Horvath, I have to work through layers.  She is self-indulgent and utterly un-self-aware; do I hate her for that? Do I view her as representative of her generation? What is the statement she makes by never, ever seeming to have a bra on when she disrobes? Why does she disrobe as often as she does? But, even more importantly, why does she wear that romper shorts thing that, if we are being truly honest here, would look good on only one human on the planet, Taylor Swift, who would sooner appear on Kourtney and Kim than Girls. Although her appearing on Downton Abbey would be even more of a long shot. Back to the romper – maybe Hannah disrobes so often because when she is clothed, her body is enrobed in that heinous romper.  Problem solved! But see how hard I had to work?

So I watch Kourtney and Kim (and Khloe and Lamar and Keeping Up) because I like it.  I watched the Real Housewives of New York until my hatred for Ramona became an obstacle.  It was no longer fun, but just me seething at the bug-eyed monster that is she, and I get enough seething in real life.  Just watch the colors my face turns as I explain to the person who disingenuously cuts ahead of me at Duane Reade because she just didn’t realize the 7 people standing in a line with baskets full of items were actually waiting to pay.  She thought maybe we were all checking out the Us Weekly cover.  Well, one of us was.  They had a story on LD!