Runnin' Down a Dream

You know how they tell you that every so often you really need to rewrite your resume? Well now is one of those times for me.  I am an especially talented and experienced individual, so it may take a while to record it all in this condensed format, but a resume is really a work in progress, a living document, in the parlance of our times.  I offer you this first draft - obviously I have left off Tom Petty song title consulting, chocolate cookie baking and a host of other experiences that I hope to incorporate shortly.

Jayn Levy, VIB

Summary

Strengths include:

·   Purchasing Boots	·   Hanging Up on Telemarketers
·   Loud, Off-Tune Singing	·   Obsessive Smartphone Use
·   Love of Suede Fringe	·   Tracking Packages
·   Sibling Relationship Management	·   FIFO Food Storage (Refrigerator and Cabinet)

Experience

Senior Returner

Develop and execute complex plan for return of varied purchases from both bricks and mortar and online merchants.  Plan takes into account differing return policies, stores’ geographic locations for maximum efficiency and frequent buyer and/or store card benefits.  Often advise store cashiers on establishments’ rules.  Serve as frequent consultant to others’ on return strategies

·         Strategically plan purchases to minimize time spent in USPS office.  Average fewer than once per quarter

·         Specialize in difficult returns, including a single child’s boot, Target without a receipt, and Amazon

·         Utilize proprietary, proven methodology for organization and packaging of returns to speed third party processing

·         Subject matter expert at Sephora; returns maximize VIB points while minimizing cash outlay

·         Thought leader and evangelist of Anthro card; introduced sophisticated, veteran returner, as well as returning novices, to value of card

·         Recognized by Gap staff throughout Manhattan

Expert Television Watcher

Watch and critique TV to a degree that astounds most productive human beings.  Regularly view a great number of widely varied shows and moderate discussions on plot, casting, and continuity ad nauseam with anyone who can be incentivized to participate

·         Expertly multi-task TV viewing with a wide variety of co-activities, including but not limited to: cooking, baking, laundry, working, homework assistance, cleaning floors, eating, shopping online, riding mass transit

·         Maintain complicated DVR schedule to accommodate four people, while ensuring my shows receive highest priority

·         Utilize variety of devices and technology to maintain DVR including DVR, satellite boxes, website, Netflix (streaming and discs), Amazon, iTunes, and ipad and iphone apps

·         Coordinate TV schedule across TV, ipad apps, and websites

·         Show unerring taste in selection of shows across a wide range of genres, including: The Wire, The Sopranos, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Downton Abbey, Life on Mars, The People’s Court, My So Called Life, Parks and Recreation, Homeland, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Cougar Town, Friday Night Lights, Veronica Mars, and 30 Rock

·         Often undertake repeat viewings of a single episode to ensure optimal enjoyment

·         Able to identify with unusual discernment actors behind voiceovers.  Recent accomplishments include: Richard Thomas, Julia Roberts, Jeremy Sisto, David Eigenberg, Jon Hamm, Susan Sarandon, Jeff Bridges

·         Successfully socialize Freaks and Geeks while adjusting messaging according to audience; vary emphasis on freaks, geeks, eighties-style clothing, and James Franco’s looks as appropriate

·         Strive to emulate Connie Britton’s strawberry blonde mane

 Credentials

·         VIB status, Sephora

·         Card-carrying Anthro member since 2010

Hobby

Management consulting

Makin' Some Noise

As I stated previously, you can learn a lot from The People's Court.  First and foremost, you can learn how to conduct yourself in a courtroom.  Well, more accurately, you can learn how people think they should conduct themselves in a courtroom.  (OK, let me say 'courtroom,' lest you think I do not realize it is not a real courtroom.  I have been there in person, more than once, so I know it is contact paper and plywood, but that is a story for another time. A bliss-filled story for another time.)  Let's start with language.  There is a language particular to the litigators in The People's Court. (Again – ‘litigators’.)

Longer words are always better. We all know this is a truism (not a truth, too short - see?). Why say 'historic,' when you can say 'historical'; so what if it's wrong? It's l o n g e r. How often do you hear 'incidences' when the speaker means 'incidents.' As you can imagine, I am a joy to be around when the news is on and journalists are ad libbing on the scene. I am not.

When it comes to The People's Court, the litigants insist on saying 'communicated' when they mean 'said' (look at the difference in number of letters!).  No one there ever drives a car, they all drive 'vehicles.' At least I am assuming they mean cars, and not souped up Roombas.  (OK, now I totally want a souped up Roomba.  I could make do with a DJ Roomba.) Also, they all lend money to deadbeat friends, but that is a lesson for another time.

Legalese spoken here.  When people appear on The People’s Court, they succumb to the irresistible urge to speak using legal terms they likely learned from watching daytime court shows (who watches those?!). For that reason, they invariably refer to the other person never by name, but as ‘the defendant’. And it is nearly always pronounced ‘defendANT’, as if in an attempt to make the word sound longer.

In addition, there is a frequent bandying about of legal terms that clearly the litigant learned from his former college roommate, who was briefly pre-law, before deciding on a career in golf course maintenance, only to eventually go to work for his father managing middle income housing.  Not to be too specific.  As I went to a liberal arts college where pre-law was not a major, I do not know these terms, but I can assure you they are always misused, according to the Honorable Judge Milian. And, as much as the defendANT and plaintiff may need to be reminded, she is the only person in that court room who knows anything about the World of Law. (Which is not a ride I want to go on at Disney, in case anyone reading this is involved in designing the next generation of rides there.)

Stay tuned for more lessons from The People’s Court, including: how to dress for court (it is not tight enough if it does not require a second person to secure your clothing, kind of like in Victorian times), how to lie (be sure to contradict the police report in which you were quoted directly) and how to ensure you end up in court in the first place (remember the above reference to lending money to deadbeats?). 

Too Much Ain't Enough

I watch The People's Court. Every day. I record it and then I watch it.  You are laughing at me now.  You feel superior to me now.  Wait until I tell you I have gone to see the show in person. More than once. Now you are so concerned for my well being, you are pretending that you are not laughing at me.  That's fine. I know you.  You are even stifling a snort.  As I would do if you told me you watch "Kourtney and Kim Take Miami." Wait - bad example.  If you told me you watched "Dog the Bounty Hunter." OK, forget this line of reasoning.

The People's Court, it can teach you many valuable life lessons.  Some are lessons you will be surprised to learn you need to be taught, they may seem that obvious.  Some are deeper, more subtle.  I think what I am saying is that The People's Court has layers. Like an onion.  And like an onion, it adds flavor to your life. You may not believe me, but keep on reading and I will make a believer of you too.  Even if you do not start to set your DVR, you will benefit from my People's Court insights.  I will do that for you. Because that's how much I care.