Don't Come Around Here No More

So, it occurred to me today, and not for the first time either, that there are a great number of service people out there who would totally enjoy their jobs that much more if only the damn customer would stop getting in the way.  Let me describe the scene that triggered this thought for the bajillionth time.

I was in Loehmanns, with hair on my head, looking through the sale rack.  The hair's relevance will become clear in a minute.  See, I was about to arrive somewhere early, and I am "on time chick," so I can never get there even a minute early, and must find a way to eat up that minute.  I am pretty sure that is why Loehmanns was created by God, in his infinite wisdom and unwillingness to pay full retail.  Also, it is important to note that my father-in-law was "2 hours early man" and if you arrived only on time to meet him, you may as well have shown up the next day. And despite having been on time, you would come home later to find 20 short, loud messages inquiring, not politely and not in English, just exactly where you were - messages that he left in a span of no more than 3 minutes, before you arrived to meet him right on time. He had mad phone dialing and message leaving skillz, y'all. 

So I was looking through a sale rack and there were salespeople moving the contents of my sales rack to another.  As a salesperson walked by with a stack of hangered clothing, one of the hangers ensnared itself in my hair. It hurt like a bitch, and not a fun bitch either, and I gasped.  But if you heard the sigh the salesperson let out, you would have realized that the true victim here was not me, but him.  I mean, how much easier would this task be if I did not waste his valuable time while I plucked what remained of my hair from the hangers? If I was not an obstacle he had to walk around to get the next batch of clothes? If I did not have the gall to select an item from the rack, look at it and then put it back?

I began to ponder the customer-less store and the many benefits it would offer the employee.  Let's see - you would never have to refold things! That would be a huge time saver right there.  And no more stupid questions about where the hosiery department has moved to.  I mean, the freaking department moved days ago - why can't these customers keep up?!  And you know how sometimes you want to just chat with the cashier at the next register, but some ass of a customer insists that you take money in exchange for an item - that's a thing of the past too.  Now you can have that conversation about your latest piercing entirely without interruption.  

If the customer-less store works out, by all means let's move on to the holy grail - the customer-less restaurant.  Ugh, the way those customers want you to come back and take their order, when maybe you have some lipstick you need to reapply.  And can you believe how they signal with their hand in the air that they need the check? It's almost as if they did not understand that your entirely avoiding eye contact with them was a signal that you did not want to be disturbed.  They can be so obtuse.  And then there is that weird obsession they have with getting what they ordered.  Much easier if the customer stays home and you hang out and in the kitchen, chatting with the cook.

In all fairness, I must disclose that I was a salesperson and a waitress for years.  And not once did these thoughts ever cross my mind. 

The Best of Everything

Today a friend of mine posted a diagram outlining the traits of successful people versus those of unsuccessful people, and I have to take issue with it.  For starters, it did not note that successful people make a hobby of returning purchases.  OK, I can let that one slide.  But what I really cannot abide is the claim this post made that successful people do not watch TV.  It made me think about everything I would miss if I did not watch TV.  Then I got a little teary eyed.  Luckily, a quick shot of chocolate chips picked me up enough to write this entry (Calle Baut, my prescription for all ills). 

If I did not watch TV I would not know…

…of the existence of Tim Gunn.  Tim Gunn may in fact be proof of a supreme being.  He is a kind, warm, intelligent force for good.  He has a stellar vocabulary and he is not afraid to use it.  There is not a molecule of mean in him, and I still love him. That fact alone is proof of some sort of complex, overarching plan for humanity.

…how to pronounce ‘pivot.’ For, it is not just ‘pivot,’ but is instead always “PIVOT!” thanks to Ross Geller.  That includes, but is in no way limited to, “PIVOT! Tables.” For that matter, TV has also taught me that the response to any offer of chewing gum is “Gum would be perfection.” Without tv would you even know how to accept a slice of Juicy Fruit? You would not. You would also not have the always utile “We were on a break” and the almost never utile, but still a personal favorite, “Like me, like me, tiny doctor!”

…Tami Taylor/Rayna James (OK, Connie Britton).  These women are over 30, strong, funny, honest and forthright.  These are real adult women, who don’t undergo plastic surgery and all matter of injections and lip paralysis to pretend they look 25 – wrapping the whole package in a shiny, tiny skirt in an attempt to complete the illusion.  Also these women have an amazing head of flouncy strawberry blonde hair that I just may have shown my stylist on more than one occasion.

A Mind with a Heart of Its Own

You know how people hate watch? They hate watch The Bachelor, watching it only to be snarky.  They hate watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, just to feel superior.  While I am a huge endorser of both snark and superiority, and the synergy created by a pairing of the two, I watch my TV the way your grandma made cookies, with love. (In the interest of full disclosure, my grandmother did not make cookies, as doing so had the potential for making the kitchen less than spotless, and she once even scolded me for making toast as it “made the kitchen hot,” but still, I think you understand what I mean, especially if your own grandmother was a little less OCD and a little more TLC.)

So, on tonight’s schedule I had to choose between hopping the L out to Brooklyn with the Girls, heading across the pond to hang at Downton Abbey, and getting a little sun in South Beach with Kourtney and Kim.  And the winner was - - Kourtney and Kim Take Miami.  Because… that’s honestly what I expected to enjoy most.  It is straight entertainment, no nuance, no social commentary – just fun.  I laugh out loud when I hear Scott referred to as LD, short for Lord Disick, a reference to the time he bought himself an English title.  I follow his walking stick (that’s right, his walking stick) on Facebook, because it literally fills me with glee.  I discuss, with my boss no less, why he (that would be Scott, not his walking stick) and Kourtney have not gotten married, despite having two children (Mason and Penelope – I know their names!).

When I watch Hannah Horvath, I have to work through layers.  She is self-indulgent and utterly un-self-aware; do I hate her for that? Do I view her as representative of her generation? What is the statement she makes by never, ever seeming to have a bra on when she disrobes? Why does she disrobe as often as she does? But, even more importantly, why does she wear that romper shorts thing that, if we are being truly honest here, would look good on only one human on the planet, Taylor Swift, who would sooner appear on Kourtney and Kim than Girls. Although her appearing on Downton Abbey would be even more of a long shot. Back to the romper – maybe Hannah disrobes so often because when she is clothed, her body is enrobed in that heinous romper.  Problem solved! But see how hard I had to work?

So I watch Kourtney and Kim (and Khloe and Lamar and Keeping Up) because I like it.  I watched the Real Housewives of New York until my hatred for Ramona became an obstacle.  It was no longer fun, but just me seething at the bug-eyed monster that is she, and I get enough seething in real life.  Just watch the colors my face turns as I explain to the person who disingenuously cuts ahead of me at Duane Reade because she just didn’t realize the 7 people standing in a line with baskets full of items were actually waiting to pay.  She thought maybe we were all checking out the Us Weekly cover.  Well, one of us was.  They had a story on LD! 

Makin' Some Noise

As I stated previously, you can learn a lot from The People's Court.  First and foremost, you can learn how to conduct yourself in a courtroom.  Well, more accurately, you can learn how people think they should conduct themselves in a courtroom.  (OK, let me say 'courtroom,' lest you think I do not realize it is not a real courtroom.  I have been there in person, more than once, so I know it is contact paper and plywood, but that is a story for another time. A bliss-filled story for another time.)  Let's start with language.  There is a language particular to the litigators in The People's Court. (Again – ‘litigators’.)

Longer words are always better. We all know this is a truism (not a truth, too short - see?). Why say 'historic,' when you can say 'historical'; so what if it's wrong? It's l o n g e r. How often do you hear 'incidences' when the speaker means 'incidents.' As you can imagine, I am a joy to be around when the news is on and journalists are ad libbing on the scene. I am not.

When it comes to The People's Court, the litigants insist on saying 'communicated' when they mean 'said' (look at the difference in number of letters!).  No one there ever drives a car, they all drive 'vehicles.' At least I am assuming they mean cars, and not souped up Roombas.  (OK, now I totally want a souped up Roomba.  I could make do with a DJ Roomba.) Also, they all lend money to deadbeat friends, but that is a lesson for another time.

Legalese spoken here.  When people appear on The People’s Court, they succumb to the irresistible urge to speak using legal terms they likely learned from watching daytime court shows (who watches those?!). For that reason, they invariably refer to the other person never by name, but as ‘the defendant’. And it is nearly always pronounced ‘defendANT’, as if in an attempt to make the word sound longer.

In addition, there is a frequent bandying about of legal terms that clearly the litigant learned from his former college roommate, who was briefly pre-law, before deciding on a career in golf course maintenance, only to eventually go to work for his father managing middle income housing.  Not to be too specific.  As I went to a liberal arts college where pre-law was not a major, I do not know these terms, but I can assure you they are always misused, according to the Honorable Judge Milian. And, as much as the defendANT and plaintiff may need to be reminded, she is the only person in that court room who knows anything about the World of Law. (Which is not a ride I want to go on at Disney, in case anyone reading this is involved in designing the next generation of rides there.)

Stay tuned for more lessons from The People’s Court, including: how to dress for court (it is not tight enough if it does not require a second person to secure your clothing, kind of like in Victorian times), how to lie (be sure to contradict the police report in which you were quoted directly) and how to ensure you end up in court in the first place (remember the above reference to lending money to deadbeats?). 

Too Much Ain't Enough

I watch The People's Court. Every day. I record it and then I watch it.  You are laughing at me now.  You feel superior to me now.  Wait until I tell you I have gone to see the show in person. More than once. Now you are so concerned for my well being, you are pretending that you are not laughing at me.  That's fine. I know you.  You are even stifling a snort.  As I would do if you told me you watch "Kourtney and Kim Take Miami." Wait - bad example.  If you told me you watched "Dog the Bounty Hunter." OK, forget this line of reasoning.

The People's Court, it can teach you many valuable life lessons.  Some are lessons you will be surprised to learn you need to be taught, they may seem that obvious.  Some are deeper, more subtle.  I think what I am saying is that The People's Court has layers. Like an onion.  And like an onion, it adds flavor to your life. You may not believe me, but keep on reading and I will make a believer of you too.  Even if you do not start to set your DVR, you will benefit from my People's Court insights.  I will do that for you. Because that's how much I care.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog.  Come on in and take off your boots and sit for a while.  Are you wondering about the blog's name? Probably not.  It likely does not even sound familiar to you, but it is song title.  You see, I have a side job, and that is Tom Petty Song Title Consultant.  I have three clients, counting me.  Below is a picture of my business card.  It is a real business card.  That tells you something about me.  I am fairly I certain don't want to know what, so just kindly keep it to yourself, if you would.  Thank you.