Makin' Some Noise

As I stated previously, you can learn a lot from The People's Court.  First and foremost, you can learn how to conduct yourself in a courtroom.  Well, more accurately, you can learn how people think they should conduct themselves in a courtroom.  (OK, let me say 'courtroom,' lest you think I do not realize it is not a real courtroom.  I have been there in person, more than once, so I know it is contact paper and plywood, but that is a story for another time. A bliss-filled story for another time.)  Let's start with language.  There is a language particular to the litigators in The People's Court. (Again – ‘litigators’.)

Longer words are always better. We all know this is a truism (not a truth, too short - see?). Why say 'historic,' when you can say 'historical'; so what if it's wrong? It's l o n g e r. How often do you hear 'incidences' when the speaker means 'incidents.' As you can imagine, I am a joy to be around when the news is on and journalists are ad libbing on the scene. I am not.

When it comes to The People's Court, the litigants insist on saying 'communicated' when they mean 'said' (look at the difference in number of letters!).  No one there ever drives a car, they all drive 'vehicles.' At least I am assuming they mean cars, and not souped up Roombas.  (OK, now I totally want a souped up Roomba.  I could make do with a DJ Roomba.) Also, they all lend money to deadbeat friends, but that is a lesson for another time.

Legalese spoken here.  When people appear on The People’s Court, they succumb to the irresistible urge to speak using legal terms they likely learned from watching daytime court shows (who watches those?!). For that reason, they invariably refer to the other person never by name, but as ‘the defendant’. And it is nearly always pronounced ‘defendANT’, as if in an attempt to make the word sound longer.

In addition, there is a frequent bandying about of legal terms that clearly the litigant learned from his former college roommate, who was briefly pre-law, before deciding on a career in golf course maintenance, only to eventually go to work for his father managing middle income housing.  Not to be too specific.  As I went to a liberal arts college where pre-law was not a major, I do not know these terms, but I can assure you they are always misused, according to the Honorable Judge Milian. And, as much as the defendANT and plaintiff may need to be reminded, she is the only person in that court room who knows anything about the World of Law. (Which is not a ride I want to go on at Disney, in case anyone reading this is involved in designing the next generation of rides there.)

Stay tuned for more lessons from The People’s Court, including: how to dress for court (it is not tight enough if it does not require a second person to secure your clothing, kind of like in Victorian times), how to lie (be sure to contradict the police report in which you were quoted directly) and how to ensure you end up in court in the first place (remember the above reference to lending money to deadbeats?).