Runnin' Down a Dream

You know how they tell you that every so often you really need to rewrite your resume? Well now is one of those times for me.  I am an especially talented and experienced individual, so it may take a while to record it all in this condensed format, but a resume is really a work in progress, a living document, in the parlance of our times.  I offer you this first draft - obviously I have left off Tom Petty song title consulting, chocolate cookie baking and a host of other experiences that I hope to incorporate shortly.

Jayn Levy, VIB

Summary

Strengths include:

·   Purchasing Boots	·   Hanging Up on Telemarketers
·   Loud, Off-Tune Singing	·   Obsessive Smartphone Use
·   Love of Suede Fringe	·   Tracking Packages
·   Sibling Relationship Management	·   FIFO Food Storage (Refrigerator and Cabinet)

Experience

Senior Returner

Develop and execute complex plan for return of varied purchases from both bricks and mortar and online merchants.  Plan takes into account differing return policies, stores’ geographic locations for maximum efficiency and frequent buyer and/or store card benefits.  Often advise store cashiers on establishments’ rules.  Serve as frequent consultant to others’ on return strategies

·         Strategically plan purchases to minimize time spent in USPS office.  Average fewer than once per quarter

·         Specialize in difficult returns, including a single child’s boot, Target without a receipt, and Amazon

·         Utilize proprietary, proven methodology for organization and packaging of returns to speed third party processing

·         Subject matter expert at Sephora; returns maximize VIB points while minimizing cash outlay

·         Thought leader and evangelist of Anthro card; introduced sophisticated, veteran returner, as well as returning novices, to value of card

·         Recognized by Gap staff throughout Manhattan

Expert Television Watcher

Watch and critique TV to a degree that astounds most productive human beings.  Regularly view a great number of widely varied shows and moderate discussions on plot, casting, and continuity ad nauseam with anyone who can be incentivized to participate

·         Expertly multi-task TV viewing with a wide variety of co-activities, including but not limited to: cooking, baking, laundry, working, homework assistance, cleaning floors, eating, shopping online, riding mass transit

·         Maintain complicated DVR schedule to accommodate four people, while ensuring my shows receive highest priority

·         Utilize variety of devices and technology to maintain DVR including DVR, satellite boxes, website, Netflix (streaming and discs), Amazon, iTunes, and ipad and iphone apps

·         Coordinate TV schedule across TV, ipad apps, and websites

·         Show unerring taste in selection of shows across a wide range of genres, including: The Wire, The Sopranos, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Downton Abbey, Life on Mars, The People’s Court, My So Called Life, Parks and Recreation, Homeland, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Cougar Town, Friday Night Lights, Veronica Mars, and 30 Rock

·         Often undertake repeat viewings of a single episode to ensure optimal enjoyment

·         Able to identify with unusual discernment actors behind voiceovers.  Recent accomplishments include: Richard Thomas, Julia Roberts, Jeremy Sisto, David Eigenberg, Jon Hamm, Susan Sarandon, Jeff Bridges

·         Successfully socialize Freaks and Geeks while adjusting messaging according to audience; vary emphasis on freaks, geeks, eighties-style clothing, and James Franco’s looks as appropriate

·         Strive to emulate Connie Britton’s strawberry blonde mane

 Credentials

·         VIB status, Sephora

·         Card-carrying Anthro member since 2010

Hobby

Management consulting

The Best of Everything

Today a friend of mine posted a diagram outlining the traits of successful people versus those of unsuccessful people, and I have to take issue with it.  For starters, it did not note that successful people make a hobby of returning purchases.  OK, I can let that one slide.  But what I really cannot abide is the claim this post made that successful people do not watch TV.  It made me think about everything I would miss if I did not watch TV.  Then I got a little teary eyed.  Luckily, a quick shot of chocolate chips picked me up enough to write this entry (Calle Baut, my prescription for all ills). 

If I did not watch TV I would not know…

…of the existence of Tim Gunn.  Tim Gunn may in fact be proof of a supreme being.  He is a kind, warm, intelligent force for good.  He has a stellar vocabulary and he is not afraid to use it.  There is not a molecule of mean in him, and I still love him. That fact alone is proof of some sort of complex, overarching plan for humanity.

…how to pronounce ‘pivot.’ For, it is not just ‘pivot,’ but is instead always “PIVOT!” thanks to Ross Geller.  That includes, but is in no way limited to, “PIVOT! Tables.” For that matter, TV has also taught me that the response to any offer of chewing gum is “Gum would be perfection.” Without tv would you even know how to accept a slice of Juicy Fruit? You would not. You would also not have the always utile “We were on a break” and the almost never utile, but still a personal favorite, “Like me, like me, tiny doctor!”

…Tami Taylor/Rayna James (OK, Connie Britton).  These women are over 30, strong, funny, honest and forthright.  These are real adult women, who don’t undergo plastic surgery and all matter of injections and lip paralysis to pretend they look 25 – wrapping the whole package in a shiny, tiny skirt in an attempt to complete the illusion.  Also these women have an amazing head of flouncy strawberry blonde hair that I just may have shown my stylist on more than one occasion.